hills to die on

So much has happened this last week, I don't even know where to begin.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday H began acting differently than he has been acting for the last six months. All of a sudden he isn't getting home at the time he normally would. He has had to be at "Work" til 2 a.m., or taking "Clients" out to dinner and not home til midnight, then last night he went to a boxing match and didn't get in til 3 a.m.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a phone call at midnight saying where you are and when you might be home. After all it has only been six or seven months since he was sleeping with someone else. Someone he still has contact with, and lies about it.

This would just be a considerate thing to do for your spouse, even if there hasn't been any infidelity. But, I guess it is more than he is willing to do.

When he got home he said there were three more fights AFTER the main event and then he stopped for something to eat. Plausible, I'm not saying it isn't true, just that leaving me home to sit and wonder where he was and feel the feelings a betrayed spouse is bound to feel, is just selfish and inconsiderate. Even if he is doing absolutely nothing wrong - it is still behavior which suggests he just doesn't give a shit about my feelings.

He refuses to tell the truth about contact with the other woman such as emails and phone conversations.

Every book I've read says that as long as there is contact - it isn't really over. He says that is bullshit and he won't do it - he won't offer the information and if I ask he'll lie.

I told him there is no way I will ever trust him because he is unwilling to do those things which will rebuild trust, such as being honest and ending contact with her.

I told him this is a hill I will die on. Honesty about contact, and the willingness on his part to totally end contact. So it is now a Mexican standoff.

I said that we don't have to live like this, and I have no desire to feel how I felt last night any more. He said we cannot afford a divorce right now. I told him that I refuse to stay married just because of money.