round and round

After the discussion at 3 am Sat morning, H slept on sofa. He went up to bed when I woke in the morning and stayed in bed all day.

He got up when it was time to bathe the kids and get them to bed around 7:30 and ran and got something to eat. Then he wanted to talk. By talk I mean mostly him saying so what do you want to do? and his saying he didn't know what to do. More talk of money and lack thereof and that divorce seemed to final.

I am torn, as I love him and would stay with him always, except that he absolutely refuses to meet me halfway. He refuses to move. He refuses to stop all contact with OW. He refuses to be honest with me about any contact. He refuses to be "on a leash" and tell me where he is and when he'll be back. So basically what I see is a man still connected to his other woman, who isn't ready to leave his family. He wants to live a single mans life with the benefit of having a family at home waiting when he feels like being with us.

Not good enough for me. Over the last 6 months I thought things were really good between us. I had fallen back in love with him. He had been kind, considerate, and loving. Of course he was still lying to my face about things, but his actions were good other than that. We spent lots of time together and I thought that was what he wanted.

Now he says he was miserable that whole time. He felt like I was his mommy and that he was sacrificing his fun time to sit at home with me and the kids and now says he refuses to do that any more.

Last night around 11pm he said he was going to WalMart then asked me if we could finish talking when he got back. I said ok. I asked him to pick up dog food at walmart for his dog.

I laid down with the baby, who was still going strong and got her to sleep and it was 1am when I fell asleep. Our 7 yr old woke up vomiting and woke me up at 3am, H was up downstairs watching TV, I checked his coat pocket for a receipt for the dog food, it wasn't a walmart receipt- it was a grocery store receipt time stamped at 1:49, so he didn't get home til 2am.

After changing daughters bedding I asked him where he went, he said walmart and grocery. I said "Walmart for nearly 3 hrs in the middle of the night", he said he was just walking around thinking......

well, he is the one who asked me to talk when he got home, so I really think that's bullshit. I don't think he was at walmart for three hours. Fuck does he think I am that stupid. and he leaves me to lay awake waiting for him to get home......

I gave him back the wedding ring, told him I was done because I didn't want to feel like that anymore. He asked how I was feeling and I told him, "up and down, back and forth, and round and round" thats it. I feel head-fucked. I no longer know what is true and what is not.

If I follow my gut feelings, I think he is seeing/fucking her again. If I believe his words, he is innocent of doing anything wrong. If only his behavior matched his words. His behavior aligns precisely with my gut feelings.

I asked him to sell his stock and move out next weekend. I just want some peace.

hills to die on

So much has happened this last week, I don't even know where to begin.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday H began acting differently than he has been acting for the last six months. All of a sudden he isn't getting home at the time he normally would. He has had to be at "Work" til 2 a.m., or taking "Clients" out to dinner and not home til midnight, then last night he went to a boxing match and didn't get in til 3 a.m.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a phone call at midnight saying where you are and when you might be home. After all it has only been six or seven months since he was sleeping with someone else. Someone he still has contact with, and lies about it.

This would just be a considerate thing to do for your spouse, even if there hasn't been any infidelity. But, I guess it is more than he is willing to do.

When he got home he said there were three more fights AFTER the main event and then he stopped for something to eat. Plausible, I'm not saying it isn't true, just that leaving me home to sit and wonder where he was and feel the feelings a betrayed spouse is bound to feel, is just selfish and inconsiderate. Even if he is doing absolutely nothing wrong - it is still behavior which suggests he just doesn't give a shit about my feelings.

He refuses to tell the truth about contact with the other woman such as emails and phone conversations.

Every book I've read says that as long as there is contact - it isn't really over. He says that is bullshit and he won't do it - he won't offer the information and if I ask he'll lie.

I told him there is no way I will ever trust him because he is unwilling to do those things which will rebuild trust, such as being honest and ending contact with her.

I told him this is a hill I will die on. Honesty about contact, and the willingness on his part to totally end contact. So it is now a Mexican standoff.

I said that we don't have to live like this, and I have no desire to feel how I felt last night any more. He said we cannot afford a divorce right now. I told him that I refuse to stay married just because of money.

5 more pounds

weighed myself this morning and I've lost 5 more pounds. That makes a total of 40 since discovering his affair.

It is a good thing I had all those kids and was well padded.

I believe I'll make pre-babies weight by the new year.

last weekend

Saturday, he began to leave throughout the day off and on for an hour or so each time. I noticed that he had been calling the office and checking his voicemails periodically. He changed his passcode, so I can no longer listen to the messages.

Then Sunday he told me he didn't want to be with me, he didn't want to be with her, he didn't want to be with any FUCKING body! So, I said maybe we should get divorced then. He said, ok, you said it and left - he didn't get home til around 1:30 or 2 am.

Monday, he was 2 hours later than normal getting home.

Last night he said he had to take clients out to dinner. Said he'd be home at 9pm, didn't get home til midnight and didn't bother to call me to say he was running late or whatever.

When he got home, we talked and he finally answered all my questions about the affair. He also said there IS NOTHING GOING ON between them. He doesn't know if he wants to be married. OH GOD someone please stop this damn ride - I need to get off, I think I'm going to be sick.

Trust me....

OK, so his view was they weren't sleeping together or seeing each other outside of work, so I should just get over it and believe it was over and move on. I would ask him to tell me if they had any contact, and he would tell me he would - then I would discover evidence of emails or voicemails and know he was still lying. When I would confront him about it, he would say she was still contacting him off and on, but he didn't contact her. He said he didn't want to hurt her or make her feel used, so he was nice to her.

Being nice is good, but not with a supposed ex-lover whom you've promised your wife not to have any contact with.....is this so hard to understand???

Four weeks ago, I grabbed his clothes he had worn to work that day to throw them in the wash and found a note in his pocket. It was written on post-it notes and was from HER. It said, and I quote:

I have this toy that I play with at night when I think of you. I try not to play with it but I have to. Just to get release. I see your eyes and call your name. I came so hard! How's that?

end quote.

I walked into where he was sitting watching the world series and stood there with the note in my hands, then I sat down across the room from him. He said, V - I promise there isn't anything going on with her. She left that on my desk at work. I don't care about her. I love you and I'll never hurt you like that again.

Sounds good. Do I believe it? I want to. I try to. Ultimately, no I can't. He has lied so much, too much and hasn't done anything to rebuild that trust. He thinks sitting at home and giving up his overnight hunting trips, basketball games with the guys, and other such stuff is what I want him to do- so that's what he's done. He has ignored my pleas to be honest and tell me when she contacts him. He has lied to me about the contact between them, and he still expects me to trust him.

So, fast forward to Nov. he and I are doing wonderfully in our personal relationship such as sex, communicating better, and meeting each others needs for love and affection. We have also been spending much more time together as a family and going on holiday-trips together. I thought everything felt pretty good. He evidently did not. He evidently discovered I was still listening to his voicemails and checking his emails. He also was tired of my spying on what he did while on the computer.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, he blew up. He said he is tired of sitting at home and not having a life just so I'll feel better. He was tired of giving up HIS time like hunting and basketball and stuff just to make me feel better and he now RESENTS ME because he doesn't get to do anything any more.

Oh, have I mentioned we have three small kids ages 7, 5, and 2?

How often do I go out? How often have I ever went on overnight trips / weekends away without them up my ass? NEVER, I repeat --- FUCKING NEVER

So, I guess I can understand feeling like you have no time for yourself or your own interests, fuck I can understand not remembering who the hell you are, I've been there for years, but I don't think it is his fault that I don't have a life. It is mine, because I've stayed at home and am self employed and don't meet people, I don't live near my friends or family, and I haven't tried to create any type of support system for myself since I married him - and that is my own fault! I am angry with myself for that.

Back to last spring. Evidently while I was visiting my family, Husband went out one night with some co-workers drinking and ended up with this woman at a motel. They continued the affair for about six or seven weeks until I had accumulated enough evidence to convince myself of what was happening and filed for divorce.

After I filed, I confronted him and told him I wanted a divorce. He said he loved me and didn't want a divorce, would go to counseling or whatever, but to not divorce him. I decided to try.

I continued to find contact between the two of them, like emails about how he "Loved" her and how she had made him so happy for a short time. I also saw text messages sent from our computers to her cell saying he was "In love with her" and he "thinks about her", I also guessed at his passwords for his voicemail and continued to hear messages from her to him until mid-July.

I continued to confront him and ask about contact with her and always looked me in the eyes and lied about it. go figure.....

Anyway, the affair began mid-March and I confronted him around May 5th, since then I have packed his bags and told him to leave three times. Each time he has said he didn't love her, he loved me and that he wanted his family. Like the sucker I feel like, I've believed it and let him stay. I had our court dates dismissed and have tried to move on.

He never would discuss the affair or the OW (other woman) with me. I called her a couple times to confront her with my knowledge of their affair, and about her ongoing contact with my Husband. She lied just as much to me or more than he did.

OK, so now during this time he and I have been working on our relationship, trying to meet each others needs, to communicate, to resume normal marital relationship. I thought everything was really going well on that front. What wasn't going well was my suspiciousness and jealousy. I began thinking I was a P.I. or something, checking cell phone records (his and hers, which are really easy to obtain online), I guessed his password for his work voicemail and cell phone and checked his messages all the time, I hacked into his emails and checked them all the time. I guess most of this was to reassure myself he really was finished with the affair. He thought I should just take his word about everything.....yeah right.

will add more later......

Well, here we go now....

Since this is the first post, I should start out with some background info prior to venting - just in case anyone ever actually reads my posts!

I met my husband eight years ago online. We spent months running up large long distance and AOL bills before finally meeting and flying off to Vegas to get married. After the wedding I sold everything I owned and moved myself and my 10 year old son from the midwest to S. Florida to be with my new husband.

Life was never the same.

I was never the same.

My relationship with my son was never the same.

I'll probably fill in the blanks later, but the short of it all is the relationship with my husband was tenuous at best, and I've spent years socially isolated, lonely, and depressed while trying to hold the marriage together and having three (yes 3) more children.

Last spring I took my three youngest kids and went home to visit my family. While back home my husband begun his affair with a co-worker who is 13 yrs older and from a very different socio-economic (trailer trash) group.

Upon my return, our marriage went from being miserable and depressing to being fucking insane, miserable, and depressing!

Now, let me backtrack and provide a few bits of information which will be helpful to possible readers. First, I have consistently asked my husband since our first year of marriage to go to counseling with me. He has always refused. Second, my husband has a nonexistant relationship with his mother and hasn't spoken to her since before our marriage. And third, hubby also has adult ADD, which means he is very moody, distracted, and generally thinks differently than any human being I've ever been around or involved with in any way.

out of time today.....